The Importance of Love-Infused Criticism

LISTEN to the ENHANCED PODCAST >>>>>>> 
Also available on  iTunes, Spotify, and Player.FM! 
Or READ the Post Below in 9 minutes 51 seconds

Hover over image to share on Pinterest. Thank you for sharing!

Last time I led a group Bible study, a rare and remarkable thing happened one night after our session concluded. A class member came up to me as I was packing up and gave me some love-infused, Spirit-directed constructive criticism. As the least talkative and shyest person in the group, I was both surprised and appreciative to hear her thoughts, no matter how difficult they were for me to process. Because she wanted to be obedient to God’s leading and truly cared for me and about our relationship, she spoke up. This act of love wasn’t easy for her. She was almost trembling when her words first began. But her step of faith pushed both of us to grow in Christ and deepened our bond as a result.

I will never teach that particular lesson the same again, and she has become more confident in sharing what God lays on her heart. What’s more, I believe the impact of her obedience ripples far beyond the two of us, touching lives from now and into eternity. I realize that may sound like I’ve blown a simple act of constructive feedback way out of proportion and exaggerated its potential, but I assure you, I have not. You see, prior to sharing her thoughts with me, she had always been hesitant to speak up. It was because of her desire to be more like Jesus that the words came out of her mouth. And once we overcome a spiritual obstacle of that size in our lives, the floodgates for God’s blessings begin to open in ways we cannot imagine. One act of obedience gives us the fire and fuel to have another. And another. There is no way to fathom the lives that will be touched because she is more empowered by the Spirit and encouraged in her walk with Jesus. And for me, her words have the potential to keep me from inadvertently hurting people’s feelings or becoming an impediment to their spiritual growth because of my unintended insensitivity.

One of the most difficult and least practiced things God asks every believer to do is to love each other completely. Fully. Not just a half-way, happy, feel-good, social love. Gritty, down-in-the-trenches love is what Jesus practiced, and He wants us to go there with Him. Even when it’s uncomfortable. Even when the situation calls for tough love. Even when the world says, “don’t get involved,” “just ignore it,” “live and let live,” or any of the other euphemisms that are out there to make us feel better when all we want to do is disregard something we know the Holy Spirit is prompting us to address. This kind of love goes even further than the noble love of social justice and standing up for those who can’t help themselves. That’s because complete love requires us to get intensely personal, putting ourselves, our pride, and our own comfort level in jeopardy for the sake of helping another become what God has created him or her to be in His Kingdom.

Pastor and author Tim Keller said, “Love without truth is sentimentality; it supports and affirms us but keeps us in denial about our flaws. Truth without love is harshness; it gives us information but in such a way that we cannot really hear it. God's saving love in Christ, however, is marked by both radical truthfulness about who we are and yet also radical, unconditional commitment to us. The merciful commitment strengthens us to see the truth about ourselves and repent. The conviction and repentance moves us to cling to and rest in God's mercy and grace.” And here’s my favorite part of Keller’s commentary on what a complete, God-centered love requires. “[Spiritual friendship] is eagerly helping one another know, serve, love, and resemble God in deeper and deeper ways.” The only way we can help each other resemble God in deeper and deeper ways is being obedient when the Holy Spirit nudges us to offer someone constructive feedback infused with His love and without a trace of judgment.

In our modern culture, this aspect of love is often avoided for a myriad of reasons. Most of us, including me, have avoided it at one time or another because we don’t want to seem judgmental. After all, in today’s society of acceptance and tolerance, any trace of criticism is often immediately condemned and publicly scorned. Sadly, most of the time, such criticism is delivered at the wrong time, through the wrong channels, and utterly without the anointing of the Holy Spirit or Biblical confirmation. And because of the highly charged rhetoric playing out in social media, where almost every element of criticism today is not appropriate or offered correctly, anyone who dares wade into those waters — either publicly or privately — experiences an onslaught of negativity or shame. But regardless of our culture and despite what people might think, the Bible encourages believers to love each other enough to tell each other the truth in love and walk alongside each other in accountability. It’s not the kind of thing that belongs in the public arena, but in a one-on-one relationship rooted in Jesus and covered by His grace.

Another reason followers of Jesus flee from opportunities for critique and edification, is spiritual laziness or selfishness. Ouch. I know that’s offensive to say, but I’m only talking about it because I am guilty of it. We all know what the word critique means, but edification is one of those spiritual terms thrown around a lot and rarely used properly. It is not a synonym for encouragement. Edification is defined as instruction, teaching, or building one another up. We can encourage one another by our words and sometimes we even do it with our actions. But by its very definition, edification, cannot be done without taking action. Edification takes work. Edification takes a sacrifice of self, a surrender of pride, and accepting the personal risk. And it definitely includes a time commitment. Many believers don’t give complete love to others because we’re too busy, too tired, or simply can’t be bothered to expend that much time and energy. Helping someone else resemble God in deeper and deeper ways, as Keller puts it, is an investment. Still, if we don’t do it, then we are not only limiting our brother or sisters’ potential in Christ, we are also limiting the impact of the Kingdom as a whole. We are not serving each other as God intended as in Proverbs 27:17, “You use steel to sharpen steel, and one friend sharpens another.”

While I am sure there are many other excuses we can make for not edifying each other, a final reason we may avoid it, is because we believe we are ill-equipped to do so or simply see it as a gift we don’t have. But the fruits of the Spirit begin to show up in the life of any person growing in the fullness of Christ. We don’t receive a “get out of jail free” card on edification just because we don’t feel naturally equipped to do it. Ephesians 4:15-16 says, “Rather, speaking the truth in love, we are to grow up in every way into Him who is the head, into Christ, from whom the whole body, joined and held together by every joint with which it is equipped, when each part is working properly, makes the body grow so that it builds itself up in love.” If we’re afraid to do something that God asks us to do, then we’ve just discovered the perfect opportunity for Him to show up in miraculous ways and draw us closer to Him. It is the essence of Paul’s radical statement in Philippians 4:13 that we can do all things through the power of Christ at work in us.

While a detailed lesson on how to give and receive Godly criticism and helpful feedback is beyond the scope of today’s message, it would be irresponsible of me not to mention the importance of being able to practice either according to Biblical principles. There is definitely a wrong way to give it or receive it, and either can be devastating. At the bottom of this page, I have included some links to detailed articles written by others far more trained to help you in this area of growth. I invite you to spend time with God and let Him lead you on where to go next with this. In the meantime, here are a few simple guidelines that apply to either giving or receiving. 

Pray immediately and thoroughly. When sensing that the Holy Spirit is prompting you to offer feedback or when someone approaches you with it, begin to seek the Lord’s involvement immediately. Before you speak or react, invite Jesus to anoint your heart and mind with His grace, compassion, and humility. When possible, take the time to pray and study the Word before taking action of any kind. Sometimes God prompts immediate feedback, but more often, He prompts us to spend a significant amount of time preparing before taking action.

View the other person with an assumption of love. Whether God is leading you to offer edification or receive it, assume that the motivation for action or reaction is love. Neither person in the exchange should operate under the judgment of the other, but move forward with the belief that Jesus can and will work through the words of the other person, no matter how flawed they come out.

Listen to what they’re actually saying, not what you think they really mean. In Philippians 4:8, Paul admonishes us to only think about what is true and honorable, not what we imagine to be true. Only the Spirit of God can read someone’s mind or know what’s in their heart. Both the giver and receiver must trust God and trust that He’ll bring out the best in each other.

Listen more than you talk and desire growth. Even if you are giving feedback, if you are truly interested in the other person’s edification, you will talk less and listen more. If you are receiving it, then listen with an open mind even if you initially feel offense, ridicule, or condemnation. Both people should aim for God’s work in the conversation, not their personal agendas or validation.

Be humble. The giver is not superior or more holy. The recipient has no reason to feel shame, but must also acknowledge that everyone has room for growth.

Nurture the relationship and be mindful of unity. One of the most important things to Jesus was the unity of those who follow Him. It so crucial that He made it a priority to pray about unity in the Garden of Gethsemane in the hours leading up to His crucifixion. Biblically-grounded feedback will always seek reconciliation, restoration, and self-sacrifice for the sake of the relationship and the body of Christ.

Follow-up and commit to accountability. This is one of the most-omitted steps of Godly criticism, both on the part of the giver and receiver. If God prompts you to offer feedback, then make the commitment to encourage and check back in, not just once, but multiple times. Do everything you can to nurture your brother or sister in the days and weeks after your conversation. If you receive feedback, follow up with the one who offered it to let them know you appreciate it and their willingness to be obedient. Satan often lurks in the aftermath of these kinds of dialogues to make the giver second-guess what God told them to do or how they did it. The evil one wants to discourage them from ever doing it again. And there’s nothing he wants more than to make the recipient feel anger, bitterness, embarrassment, and complacency, among many other insidious reactions. Take the victory in Jesus’ name, and don’t let Satan win in the aftermath.

The older I get, the more I see so many areas of my life and aspects of my behavior that need to be corrected, softened, or completely eliminated in order to become more like Jesus. As I think back over my years of serving in the church or in my community, I often find myself wishing that someone had said something to me much earlier in my life about many things. And that spurs me to be available to God when He gives me the opportunity to help others on their journey. Loving others completely in Jesus doesn’t require a certain rank. It isn’t reserved for someone with a title. It doesn’t always come from someone who is older, or even perceived to be wiser than us. Building up each other up is every believer’s job and when the Holy Spirit is guiding it, God will always be glorified and His body will always be strengthened.

Five-Day Devotional Guide and Additional Resources
These readings from today’s message can be used for a single-day study or your daily quiet time throughout the week. Before you begin reading the passage for each day, spend some time asking God to open your heart to His truth and hearing His voice.
Day 1 - Hebrews 10:24 tells us to stir one another up to love and good works. Read the verse in several different versions of the Bible and write down what God may be calling you to do. Ask Him for opportunities to stir others up around you and the courage to follow through.
Day 2 - Sometimes God calls us not to help someone see what they might be doing that could be improved or corrected, but to overcome weaknesses like fear. Read Isaiah 35:3-4 and ask God to show you how you can edify someone else in their faith.
Day 3 - God may direct you to spend time with someone who needs constructive criticism surrounding actions or behaviors that stem from sin. Read Matthew 7:3-5 and Galatians 6:1-2 and spend time with God asking Him to reveal things in your own life that He has redeemed and could use for His glory.
Day 4 - Read Ephesians 4, paying close attention to verses 2, 3, 15 and 29. God wants us to speak from a heart that is pure before Him and willing to love fellow believers more than our own agendas. Spend time in prayer, seeking the Holy Spirit to reveal any motives and attitudes that may be lurking in your heart beneath the surface. Pray Psalm 51:10-12 back to Him.
Day 5 - Read Proverbs 27:9 and Romans 12:10. Ask God to place the name of someone on your heart today that you can encourage with Godly affection and affirmations. Write down ways God is leading you to spend more time and energy encouraging and edifying others.
Additional growth resources:
Giving and Receiving Godly Criticism: Sharpening Each Other With Your Words — this  instructive article includes step-by-step guidelines for offering and receiving constructive criticism.
The Secret to Giving and Receiving Critique — this blog post provides real-world examples of why Biblically guided critique is so vital to our faith.
How to Handle Your Critics Like a Pro, Not a Toddler — this straight-forward message offers actionable suggestions for receiving and processing others’ criticisms even when they are misguided or unfounded. It's written for leaders, but it applies to all of us. 
​
​What do you think of today's message? Comment and share your thoughts on this post! And if God brought someone to mind as you read or listened, please encourage them by sharing this post today!

---