Choosing Desire Over Duty

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I’ve been a Christian for a long time. This year marks the 40th anniversary of my soul becoming the bride of Christ, and like any other monumental day in my life, some things about the salvation moment are burned in my memory. The sweltering heat of the school gymnasium packed with people seeking revival. The insistence of my mother that I didn’t understand enough to respond to the altar call. (She changed her mind when I practically crawled over her to get to the aisle whether she wanted me to or not.) And — perhaps most vividly --  I remember the camel-colored leather half-boots of the preacher walking over and kneeling down to my level to lead me in prayer. With all that detail, you’d think I’d remember what happened next, but I don’t. That’s where the memories leave me, but the impact of the decision has lasted a lifetime.

And so, the headline of today’s blog post might seem shocking, disappointing, or perhaps expected for those who are particularly pessimistic. We’ve all learned the hard way that even the most memorable and enthusiastic beginnings can still burn out and fade when tested by life’s battles and cynicism. But my story is a testimony, as it is with so many other long-term believers, that what God starts, He always promises to finish. (Philippians 1:6) We may have many stops and starts in our faith journeys. We may fail miserably, not just once but over and over. We often drift. And we may even walk away entirely, or go as far as some have done in a very public manner, and announce our “de-conversion.” But if we truly gave our hearts to Jesus in the first place, then we will always return to Him. Not of our own doing or effort, but entirely by His powerful and relentless pursuit of us. It may take months, years, or even decades, but the Father always comes for His child. Always. (Matthew 18:12)

While I never announced my intention to walk away from God, there was a season where I tried. And I definitely made some great time running in the wrong direction. Suffering from the fallout of a major life mistake often has a way of bringing us to our worst selves, showing us just how depraved we are when intentionally try to remove Jesus’ covering of grace, mercy, and love. It is in these moments that God allows us to know exactly how the prodigal son felt sitting in the pigsty of his own doing, covered with the filth of his greed and rebellion and absolutely famished for real nourishment. Sometimes, the mud of our mistakes, sins, and bad choices has to run into our eyes before we’re ready to see Jesus standing before us with a basin of hot soapy water, a big fluffy towel, and a radiant change of clothes.

Many similar stories of redemption stop right there with a vision of the restored child. We breathe a sigh of relief and say, “Thank God the prodigal found her way back. Whew!” But we all know the actual process of restoration is just beginning. The prodigal may have turned the corner, but the baggage she collected along the way still lingers, slowing her down, and threatening to pull her back at any moment. While some of my baggage was collected during my wanderings, one of the biggest weights I carried around pre-dated my prodigal drifting. In other words, it was something I picked up, or rather learned from those I respected as teachers and leaders in the faith. And when I walked away, Satan twisted and then used the very things I was previously taught as a barrier to coming back.

Before my major life mistake came crashing down all around me and triggered my season of divergence, I never missed a quiet time with God in the morning. I never skipped a volunteer opportunity that suited my gifting. And I most certainly attended church or went to a Bible study every week, unless I was ill or out of town. In short, I had a deeply ingrained sense of duty to follow the formula. I wanted God’s approval for doing everything He told me to do as perfectly as possible. But when my life crumbled despite following “the Christian formula,” I found myself falling down through the scaffolding I had erected by building my life with the wrong materials. It may have appeared that I loved God with all my heart and mind, and it definitely started that way, but somewhere between childhood and the latter half of young adulthood, I had begun to perform for God rather than love Him. I was seeking and serving Him out of duty, instead of desire. Rather than hungering for Him, I denied myself to please Him.

But as I said, the Shepherd always comes for His lost ones. So when I left the pigpen of my own design, I didn’t know what to do with my big suitcase of guilt, which was filled with duties, obligations, and performance criteria. Like an accident victim learning how to walk all over again, my spiritual legs were clueless on how to walk in faith without the shoes of legalism. I discovered that I didn’t even know how to pray, read the Word, or worship purely out of a desire for God and not because they were disciplines I was supposed to do. For months, I would try to do the things that Christians typically do and just give up in tears because I couldn’t do them without the habit of keeping track or feeling guilty if I skipped anything. The reality was I simply didn’t want to do any of it anymore. I had reached a place where spiritual disciplines designed to draw me closer to God were pushing me away because of my own expectations and fear of breaking the rules. Previous sin leading up to my life’s collapse had taken my faith with it, and the only way I would be able to find it again — to find my real identity in Christ — was for God to bring it out of the ashes.

Finally, out of desperation, I remember trying to pray and blurted out something like this to God: “If can’t pray because I want to… because I desire You and not because I want to please you or achieve some standard… then I’m not going to pray at all. And the same goes for reading the Bible. I won’t fight You anymore. I won’t run from You. If You work a miracle in my heart and cause me to want You, then I will surrender. But I’m not doing anything out of duty, rules, or because I’m supposed to anymore. Enough is enough, and I’m tired.”
And then I stopped. I mean really stopped. If I didn’t feel like reading the Bible I didn’t. If sleep beckoned me to linger in bed on a Sunday morning, I gave in. And praying? Very infrequent. At first, it seemed like nothing was happening in me spiritually. But my heart had changed, because, for the first time, in many years, I woke up each day with a blank slate for God’s use. I was daring Him to fill it, rather than going through the motions of a pre-defined list. I had seen His power in my younger years. I had known the sweetness of His presence before I had begun to layer on the callouses of my own performance. So I waited on Him with a pained and timid hope.

About that time, the book Desiring God by John Piper found its way into my heart’s fragile restoration. The reality was, I wanted to want God. My spirit was longing for communion with my Creator, so when I saw the title of Mr. Piper’s manifesto to Christian hedonism, I was hooked. But I was not prepared for the magnitude of what I read, and it took me months of reading and re-reading it to even grasp the concept of glorifying God by being satisfied in Him, rather than following a formula or finding ways to please Him. And the battle Satan waged to prevent me from understanding that God wants me to experience delight without strings attached was a fierce, relentless one. I don’t think Satan cares if I’m Christian. What he cares about is if I live and act like a Christian without chains… a follower who chases after Jesus not because she has to or because she’ll get anything from it, but simply because she wants to be with Him all the time. John Piper puts it this way in his book, “He beckons us into the obedience of suffering not to demonstrate the strength of our devotion to duty or to reveal the vigor of our moral resolve or to prove the heights of our tolerance for pain, but rather to manifest, in childlike faith, the infinite preciousness of His all-satisfying promises.” I had to let go of the idea that there was anything I could offer or do for God, and instead let Him do everything and anything through me and within me for His glory.

Also vital to my healing, I had to shed the notion that being happy was wrong. It took years for the idea to sink into my soul that God wants us to find so much delight and satisfaction in Him that we not only discover what real happiness is all about, but that we can relish in it without any payment or punishment on our part. Because I grew up hearing the opposite from an important and involved family member, I had years of negative thoughts built up in my mind and shackling my heart. I had been taught that the other shoe would always drop, meaning if you’re happy and things are going well, you better watch out because something bad is coming. This, of course, is the opposite of how Jesus wants us to react to the truth about suffering. When He acknowledged that the world brings us trials and pain in John 16:33, He included the key to happiness right along with it. “I have told you all this so that you may have peace in me. Here on earth you will have many trials and sorrows. But take heart, because I have overcome the world.”

The problem with expressions like “the other shoe always drops,” is that it stops at half the truth, making it a full lie. And that’s how Satan wraps chains around hearts, creates fear, and fuels our doubts. He feeds us enough of the truth to make us believe the whole lie. He twists what is life-giving into what is life-stealing. We often falsely believe that the absence of suffering is the path to overflowing happiness and satisfaction in life. And that’s why I spent most of my life living in fear of the unknown… an imagined future suffering that was always on its way. No, the Spirit of my loving Heavenly Father has been teaching me for the last 16 years or so, that happiness is having every desire of my heart fulfilled. And when the desires of my heart are fixed on finding satisfaction in God, then He will replace any that shouldn’t be there with His desires for me. The essence of this truth is found in many places throughout Scripture, but my favorite is Psalm 37:4, which tells us to delight in the Lord, and He will give us the desires of our hearts. Through the years, that verse has helped me combat fear and disappointments. It has also guided me through major decisions and career changes. And right now, it’s teaching me how to break the stronghold of seeking validation, comfort, and reward from anything or anyone other than Jesus.

I didn’t stay away from having a daily quiet time with God for very long. The Lover of My Soul was faithful to woo me back. I can’t say I was instantly consistent or that I don’t ever go through dry seasons, but over the years since, the Holy Spirit has been kindling my desire for Him and not what I can do for Him or receive from Him. I’ve also learned that being a Christian hedonist isn’t just about seeking joy by choosing to embrace suffering and trials on behalf of Jesus. It’s not just about avoiding sin because we love Him. It’s also about choosing the best portion — making choices between what is good and what is best. When we seek satisfaction in Jesus more than the “good” offerings of this world, the Holy Spirit teaches us what true freedom is all about. He teaches us how to be less distracted and less controlled by our emotions, passions, and pleasures, whether they be outright sinful or entirely healthy in moderation. But God also encourages us to have feelings, not to deny them or stuff them down. The difference is that He transforms our feelings from controlling forces into beautiful, fulfilling experiences in His presence. I love how it’s written in Desiring God: “Minimizing the importance of transformed feelings makes Christian conversion less supernatural and less radical. It is humanly manageable to make decisions of the will for Christ. No supernatural power is required to pray prayers, sign cards, walk aisles, or even stop sleeping around. Those are good. They just don’t prove that anything spiritual has happened. Christian conversion, on the other hand, is a supernatural, radical thing. The heart is changed. And the evidence of it is not just new decisions, but new affections, new feelings.”

While I’m sure my story is different from yours, and I would never advocate for anyone to stop having a daily quiet time, I can tell you this without reservation — God desires your willing heart over and above any other thing, act of service, money, or discipline you can perform. None of that matters if your actions are motivated by anything other than love without strings attached. So God’s direction to you will be as unique as you are. Maintaining key disciplines of the faith is the right thing to do for most people, and are often a crucial part of rekindling your desire for God even when you don’t feel like doing them. However, there is no one-size-fits-all when it comes to God’s extravagant love for us. Seek His help, expect Him to reveal the path to you in unexpected ways, and be obedient to the Holy Spirit’s leading.

When I was a child, my feelings were far more exciting than they are as 40-something. When I was seven, every day was a fountain of new experiences and mostly enjoyable emotions. And while I may not remember what happened right after I asked Jesus to come into my heart on that hot summer night, I imagine my kid-self being exhilarated and overjoyed. Though I can’t attach a specific memory to it, the deepest place of my heart also tells me that Jesus comforted me and brought me peace in a season of confusion and change. My parents were going through a separation at that time, which led to their divorce a year later. So God’s timing for drawing me to Him was perfect and couldn’t have been more critical. I was a daddy’s girl, and my Heavenly Father stepped in to walk beside me and whisper to my heart that I didn’t do anything wrong, that I wasn’t abandoned, and that I was loved fully and completely by the One who would never go away. And this is why I think I remember so vividly the shoes of the preacher who prayed with me on that night so long ago. They were just like my daddy’s shoes. He used to wear them all the time. So in the absence of my earthly father, whom I loved and trusted so dearly, God sent His love to me in the perfect messenger. He knew just what I needed. He knew me better than myself. Leaving no detail to chance, my Father stopped at nothing to come get me. And He would do it a million times over to bring me home.

Five-Day Devotional Guide For Further Reflection and Daily Spiritual Journaling
These readings from today’s message can be used for a single-day study or your daily quiet time throughout the week. Before you begin reading the passage for each day, spend some time asking God to open your heart to His truth and hearing His voice.
Day 1 - Any follower of Jesus can become the prodigal child given the right circumstances, heart position, and status of our walks with God. That is why humility is so important to cultivate in our lives. Being aware that we live by the grace and mercy of Jesus, makes us more resistant to Satan’s schemes to pull us away. Read the story of the prodigal son in Luke 15:11-32 and write down what God whispers to your heart. Who do you identify with the most in the story (the dad, the older brother, or the prodigal) and why? Ask the Holy Spirit to reveal anything hiding in your heart that might diminish your desire for being with, or returning to, God.
Day 2 - Read Psalm 16:5-11 and if you have time watch John Piper’s first video on the foundations of Christian hedonism (it’s 13:30 long). Ask the Lord to instruct you (verse 7), assure you (verse 8), and remind you of the last time you experienced fullness of joy in His presence (verse 11). Write down any words He whispers to you.
Day 3 - Read Psalm 37:4 in at least three different versions of the Bible. Commit your favorite version to memory and then spend time in prayer asking God to change the desires of your heart to match His.
Day 4 - God always finishes the work He starts in our lives, but sometimes we get in His way and cause delays or detours. Read Philippians 1:6 and ask God to reveal to you anything that you might be hindering and why. Write down what He’s asking you to do next.
Day 5 - The pleasures of God are far better than anything we can find or anyone else we can be with here on earth. Sometimes, however, we struggle with the words used to describe pleasure or even feel guilty about experiencing it. Read Psalm 4:7 and Psalm 19:8,10 and then read this short article on the Desiring God website. Finish by ask God to heal your tainted perceptions of pleasure and redeem them for His glory.
Recommended Resources from DesiringGod.org:

• FREE book and Bible study: When I Don’t Desire God: How to Fight for Joy
• Desiring God the book (updated and expanded) - You can download a free study guide here or purchase the book on Amazon.
• Multi-Part Video Series: The Foundations of Christian Hedonism

What do you think of today's message? Comment and share your thoughts on this post! And if God brought someone to mind as you read or listened, please encourage them by sharing this post today!

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