How to Keep the Fog of Familiarity from Sabotaging your Life

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A friend of mine once told me that the mind is like a muscle. Let it wander however it wants and indulge in whatever it craves, and it will slowly atrophy. The most insidious aspect of this truth is that the decline happens so subtly and gradually over time, we can end up drowning in a pit of bad habits without even realizing how we got there. But stretching the mind, exercising it, and disciplining it will make it healthier, stronger and more agile. This is especially true for the more difficult disciplines, such as spiritual growth, creativity, innovation, or leadership advancement, which can be sabotaged by our minds as soon as our eyes open in the morning. My friend’s advice resonated with me so much, that whenever I get tired of pursuing a truly abundant life, I remind myself over and over that the muscle must be worked daily to stay healthy.
 
One of the most powerful “frenemies” (friend + enemy) of the mind is familiarity. On the plus side, familiarity gives us confidence in relationships and situations we’ve encountered before, boosts our efficiency and performance with routine tasks, minimizes distractions and annoyances, and generally makes us feel comfortable, more relaxed and secure. Thanks to biological familiarity, we eventually don’t notice a bad smell or an annoying noise if it’s consistently present for a long period of time. And thank goodness, we all get more comfortable with routine places, situations and relationships, so we don’t remain as nervous and inefficient at our jobs as we did on the first day of employment. As a vital coping mechanism, familiarity can lower our heart rates and stress levels. Certainly, there are some patterns and repetitions that are incredibly vital and helpful, such as the laws of the universe, rules of math, established traffic patterns and routine garbage pickup. Most importantly, we can rise each day counting on God’s consistent character and unchanging love for us.
 
But then, there’s the other side of familiarity – the archenemy to all the elusive things we chase after, like dreams, ambition, romance, achievement, creativity, innovation, and dynamic relationships. When familiarity runs amuck and crosses over from helpful into damaging, we end up experiencing boredom, complacency, laziness, depression, anxiety, hopelessness, contempt, and mental or emotional apathy. When familiarity takes over our hearts and minds, we can become blind to what’s right in front of us (hello? the glasses on your head or the “lost” keys on the counter) or numb to those who are supposed to mean the most to us, like our spouses, family or friends. There are times I get so bored with my routines that I don’t want to do them anymore, like brushing my teeth (don’t worry, I still do), and the same effect happens with people or situations we encounter on a frequent basis. In conversations, we start filling in the blanks in our minds when a familiar person talks, assuming that we know what he is going to say. With material possessions, we begin to devalue them as they become more familiar. A new piece of technology that you couldn’t put down last month, may not even be in your hands this month. And worst of all, familiarity can lull us into such a comfortable state that we run back to unhealthy situations over and over.
 
As I pondered how familiarity has overrun a few important things in my life, I realized that the following five “A’s” have been critical in helping me continue to chase my dreams, keep my relationships thriving, and not get stagnant in my pursuit of God. Oswald Chambers, the great turn-of-the-century theologian, once said, "Human nature, if healthy, demands excitement; and if it does not obtain its thrilling excitement in the right way, it will seek it in the wrong. God never makes bloodless stoics; He makes no passionless saints.” And that’s the essence of our battle with familiarity. As humans we can’t help but experience familiarity, but we also detest being bored and stagnant. So often, the biggest mistake we make in life is allowing the allure of familiarity’s comforts and false security, to keep us from the very adventure God has called us to take, and instead we fill our natural longings for excitement with counterfeit dreams or fleeting thrills requiring less personal sacrifice, character refinement, time, or discipline. So here are some safeguards to help us prevent familiarity from leading us to make one bad decision after another.

The Five A's to Master Familiarity Before It Masters You
 
Awareness – When we exercise our minds daily to cultivate a fresh experience and perspective regarding the most important people and frequent situations in our lives, we train ourselves to ask more questions, listen more carefully, operate less on previous assumptions, and perhaps most profoundly – to simply become more observant of the little things. One of the biggest dangers in relationships is thinking that you know how someone will behave or what they will say based on your experience with them. Challenge yourself to truly listen to them like you would a new acquaintance. Look at the world around you on your way to work and push yourself to see “stories” in everything. If you woke up having a story to tell (about that dream you had last night, or why you’re not feeling well, or that idea that won’t leave your mind), then remember that everyone else you encounter has one as well. Make it a goal every day to get people to tell you their stories. Watch the rain fall or the clouds move across the sky just to hear God tell you His story through creation. He’s talking if you’re listening. "Call to me and I will answer you, and will tell you great and hidden things that you have not known.” Jeremiah 33:3
 
Appreciation – When we have a posture of being thankful for every situation and person – after all, even the challenging ones give us an opportunity to grow – our perspective radically shifts from being complacent (the evil twin of familiarity) to being open and receptive. When we are hopeful, science proves that we are more likely to be creative, innovative, and adventurous. If you want to take on the world, you have to appreciate it, warts and all. “Give thanks in all circumstances…” 1 Thessalonians 5:18
 
Acclimation – I was reading a blog about marriage recently and the author, who is a psychologist, said that familiarity doesn’t breed contempt, but poor acclimation does. In other words, getting more familiar with your spouse (or any other relationships) is a good thing because you’re more likely to be yourself. But as you become more familiar with him or her, you can choose to acclimate in ways that are honorable or dishonorable. Habitual responses to things we don’t necessarily like don’t have to be unhealthy, but it does take work — one decision at a time – to build the right pattern of responses and behaviors. This is how we acclimate well. Familiarity that increases alongside the hard work of love, respect, openness, communication, prayer, and appreciation, prepares us for rewarding adventures with the people we love. "Be kind to one another, tenderhearted, forgiving one another, as God in Christ forgave you.” Ephesians 4:32
 
Authenticity – Familiarity can often lure us into doing something over and over out of habit, not because we actually want to do it. Checking in with yourself about repeated behaviors and routines to see if you authentically want to do them is crucial. Are you being authentic with others, or are you just going through the motions? Familiarity can also cause us to transfer our own perceptions, status, abilities, and beliefs onto someone else we’re close to, making us utterly blind to who they really are. Such was the case with Jesus in his hometown of Nazareth. At the beginning of his ministry, they received him warmly. Who wouldn’t like a hometown hero who turns water into wine? But when he proclaimed Himself to be God and that He was the fulfillment of the Scriptures, they were incensed and threw him out of town. Why? Because they transferred their own life situation onto His. He had been one of their own – like them in so many ways. They were so familiar with his parents, his upbringing, and his socioeconomic status that they assumed he was just like them. So they wholeheartedly and instantly rejected the idea that one of their own could be the long-awaited Messiah. They did not even give Jesus a chance to be His authentic self. When you practice authenticity and not conformity, you are less likely to project yourself on others. 1 Chronicles 29:17 says that God searches and tests hearts for integrity. The Message version puts it this way: "I know, dear God, that you care nothing for the surface—you want us, our true selves—and so I have given from the heart, honestly and happily."
 
Activity – Sometimes we can spend so much time talking about our lives, that we don’t end up doing anything to move them forward or change things we don’t like. Just the habit of talking without action can become overly familiar. Building in a pattern of activity – even if you implement only small steps – to pursue life improvements and spiritual growth, helps prevent you from becoming stagnant or drawn into negative self-talk and gossip. The Bible clearly indicates that a lack of activity and fruitfulness in our lives can lead to gossip and wasting time. "Besides that, they learn to be idlers, going about from house to house, and not only idlers, but also gossips and busybodies, saying what they should not.” 1 Timothy 5:13 Plus, if you don’t actually practice doing anything, then you certainly won’t get anywhere.
 
Most of us wake up every day hoping that something will pleasantly surprise us. But many of us miss those surprises because our eyes are fogged in with familiarity. Inspiration doesn’t just appear on the mountaintops of life, it more commonly dwells in the ordinary valleys and typical conversations we encounter on a daily basis. We only need to train our eyes to see it.
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