Do You Really Believe People Can Change?

Prefer to LISTEN rather than read?
Click on PodOmatic play button here --->
If audio doesn't play correctly, visit my podcast page to listen. 

Hover over image to share on Pinterest

The expression, “You can’t teach an old dog new tricks,” is one of the oldest in modern English language, dating back to the early 1500s. Apparently the doubt about people’s ability to change is so universal, we have dozens of similar expressions across the world and throughout history, like “a leopard can’t change his spots” from the Bible, or “you can’t teach an old monkey how to pull a funny face” from France, or “an old parrot can’t learn to speak” from Spain.

Clearly, most people are more comfortable using animal references to make a joke about their assessment of a person than they are directly addressing the issue. It’s just easier to try and laugh it off than to ponder whether or not we truly believe that a person who frustrates us or has hurt us in the past can really “turn over a new leaf,” to use another common euphemism. (Sorry, I couldn’t resist!)

Many times, we find ourselves falling into one of two mental camps when it comes to the people in our lives, depending on how important they are to us. For some who irritate us or have offended us in the past, we may prefer to avoid thinking about them, their ability to change or not, and simply do our best to evade situations or discussions that may spark certain reactions or behaviors. For others, particularly those who mean the most to us, we can go to the other extreme and spend WAY too much time overanalyzing their words and actions. We constantly try to read between the lines of what they’re saying, or sometimes we don’t let them finish talking because we already think we know what they’re going to say.

Both mental camps are not only unhealthy for us, they are also not where God calls us to hang out.

Unfortunately, I have spent way too much time in both places throughout my life. I have gone out of my way to avoid someone who I don’t believe will ever change, and I have believed the worst about someone based on my own very inaccurate perceptions and erroneous assumptions. I have been known to interrupt someone when I think I know what they’re going to say based on their past behaviors. I have created all kinds of reasons in my mind why someone has or hasn’t done something, and I have assumed that someone doesn’t like me or is angry with me based only on a fleeting look. And all of these barely scratch the surface!

I share all of this so that you know this message is from someone who’s right there in the trenches of life with you. Loving people as God commands us to do so is hard, hard work. John 13:34 says, “A new commandment I give to you, that you love one another: just as I have loved you, you also are to love one another.” And the fact that we are creatures of habit, often makes that calling even harder. We know our own propensity for bad habits and thoughts, so we make the erroneous assumption on a consistent basis that likewise someone else is acting out of habit or thinking the same way they always do.

In the classic book, Loving God With All Your Mind, Elizabeth George deals with the issue of not believing what other people say or doubting that people can — and do — change. In 1 Corinthians 13, she highlights two convicting principles when it comes to loving others by God’s definition. Verse 5 says love “keeps no record of wrongs” and verse 7 says it “always trusts.” Other translations say love “always believes.” Whenever we make assumptions about what another person says or does, we not only violate these principles of loving them as Jesus would, we stress ourselves out. In a sense, when we question what someone is saying, we are calling him or her a liar in our hearts. By not taking what they say as true and at face value, we are placing ourselves in a position of analysis and judgment, and trying to give ourselves a responsibility that only the Holy Spirit has. We cannot read people’s hearts, minds and motives — no matter how smart, intuitive, and experienced we are. And when we try to do that, we malign them, we cause ourselves emotional stress, and we erode the foundation of trust between us. Imagine how sincere our relationships would be and what good listeners we would become if we spent time truly hearing what another person says to us instead of automatically filtering their words and actions through past mistakes or behaviors.

Philippians 4:8 tells us to think about, or dwell on, only things that are true. That means things that we know are verifiable and clearly true. Not what we speculate. Not what we infer. Not what we imagine. And perhaps, most importantly, not dredging up what happened in the past and assuming that it the same as what’s happening right now. Paul further encourages us to press on in our effort to pursue the Gospel and specifically to forget the past (Philippians 3:12-14). In everything, we are to be forward-looking, believing that God is continually working in us, in others, and in our circumstances to make us new creations for His glory.

Now, I’m sure someone reading this is wondering about discernment. What about wisely protecting yourself from someone who’s repeatedly hurt you? What about someone who has deluded themselves and does say things that aren’t true? Are we supposed to listen to them?

This is where it is critical to understand the difference between Spirit-guided discernment and self-centered judgment. Life presents us with all kinds of complicated situations and relationships, and each of them needs to be approached by praying, studying scripture, and seeking wise counsel when needed. That being said, at the most fundamental level, we can boil the difference between judging others and Godly discernment down to a humble attitude and a loving approach. Martin Luther said that we should preach the Gospel to ourselves daily, in that we are all sinners in need of grace. If our motivations lie anywhere outside of complete humility and love, then we are in danger of judgment. When we have to say something difficult to someone based on what is true, we are not only called to treat them with the same kind of love Jesus did, but also model His humility in our approach. Sure, there are the rare occasions where it wouldn’t be healthy for you, or someone who’s hurt you, to continue a conversation or perhaps even continue the relationship. But God’s word gives explicit instructions in Matthew 18 on how to address conflict and move on in grace. (If you are particularly struggling with a conflict right now, here is ahelpful article that walks through the Biblical process with very practical application.)

For most of life’s daily interactions, however, it really is about acting on what we profess to believe. If we truly believe that God can change people, and if we want to love others like Jesus did, then our actions will reflect that belief. If we truly believe that the Holy Spirit is working in our lives and that our hearts are in His hands, then we can trust that He will take care of what we cannot see, what we do not know, and what people’s true motives are. We only have to yield to the Holy Spirit and let Him give us fresh ears, renewed eyes, and a gentle tongue with every conversation… with our spouses, our kids, our friends, our co-workers, our teammates, our neighbors… simply everyone. Loving others as Jesus did is like changing a leopard’s spots for a human being — it is impossible on our own. But loving others by letting God do the work through us is like teaching an old dog new tricks — it is possible with patience, consistency and repeated obedience.

If you like this blog post, why not invite others to read it and subscribe to my weekly emails? You will be encouraging them and you will be helping me share the love of Christ with others. It’s a win-win!

---