Finding Healing From Ourselves

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When you’re new to anything — a job, a neighborhood, or a school — you get to share your story a lot. Given that just about everything is new for me right now, having recently moved across the country, lately, I’ve been summing up my life in 30 seconds quite often. And with all that talk about myself, I’m becoming more and more aware of how much my story has changed in the last four years. Since the last thing I want to do is talk someone’s ear off at the first moment they lay eyes on me, I try to supply only the most pertinent information and let them ask questions if they’re interested. The strange thing, especially for me as a writer and an innate planner, is that I never gave any forethought to the introductory elevator speech that I’ve been using over the last several months. In fact, I was totally comfortable not attempting to filter anything. I was just me being me. And that is very, very new … for me.

Your first reaction to that statement might be to wonder about my authenticity and willingness to be transparent with others, but that’s not what I mean by the term “filtering” at all. In fact, I’m one of those people who had to learn how to temper my natural inclination to be brutally honest. I can’t even tell you how many feelings I hurt and toes I stepped on in my younger years. Not because I was trying to be mean, confrontational, or judgmental. I rarely had any of those motivations. Nope. I just couldn’t stop whatever I was thinking from coming right out of my mouth and being clearly displayed all over my face.

No, what is so new for me is that I’m no longer impeded by the filter of worry or anxiety that has been my ever-present, but a highly unpleasant, companion for about 25 years. For two and a half decades, it’s been there, sometimes humming low like an undercurrent of negative thoughts rolling subtly in the background of my mind … and other times swelling high into a fierce wave that literally drowns me in a suffocating and terrifying sea of panic that settles into weeks or months of debilitating fear or uneasiness.

Describing life as a long-term anxiety sufferer is hard, especially when I try to explain to someone who’s never been dominated by it. And this is where that filter comes in. Most high functioning chronic anxiety sufferers, especially Christians, don’t walk around wearing their concerns all over their faces. On the contrary, we get so used to the constant cycling between the undercurrent of nagging thoughts and all-out periods of intense nervousness, that we learn how to compensate accordingly to appear calm, cool, and collected even during a panic attack. And since most anxiety sufferers are naturally wired to be planners and over-achievers, we add a filter to our personalities, both to protect others from our suffering and to protect ourselves from feeling ashamed about our condition. Even if we come to realize that having an anxiety disorder is not in and of itself sinful, we can’t help but feel guilt over our inability to abide by Jesus’ words in Matthew 6:34 telling us not to worry.

This has been my life for a long time, but it’s not anymore. At least not right now. And for the first time since my early 20s, the hum of the agitated undercurrent is gone. The vicious cycle has stopped spinning.  God’s peace is now louder in my soul than negative thoughts. After what seems like a lifetime of praying for healing, it came gently, quietly, and so gradually into my heart and mind, that it actually took me a while to notice that the cold hum of constant fear had been eclipsed by the warmth of release and the beautiful melody of a graceful surrender to hands I can’t see.

After all these years of bearing the thorn in my side, I had to ask God, “Why now?” And when I felt His Spirit nudging me to put aside what I had originally planned to write about today, I told Him that I wasn’t ready. “Write about your healing,” He kept insisting. So I pushed back with, “But God, I don’t have the words yet to explain how it happened so that others can benefit from it as well.” And He said, “That’s not the point. It’s not about the how. It’s about the hope.” And then I realized that “the how” is as different for each person, as snowflakes falling in the same storm. Sure, all storms arrive with similar attributes and characteristics. That’s how we know it’s a storm. But within each tempest, every snowflake that falls is different. And the important thing to know is that every storm will eventually pass. The sun will emerge, breaking through the clouds, and promising a new day, washed clean and made whole for the Father’s purposes and in His time.

I’m not actually sure when my decades-long, internal storm subsided within me, but ironically, I know that it happened sometime during the onslaught of external storms far stronger than I’ve ever experienced before. But in writing those very words, I am realizing now how consistent the strange timing has been with the very character of God. Biblical even. When we get thrown in the fire, we get refined in a way we could never achieve during peaceful times in our lives. The enemy may come at us with an all-out war on our lives, but our Mighty Protector takes the onslaught of evil meant for our harm and turns it for our good by leading us right through the middle of the battlefield one step at a time. As the weapons used against us grow more and more sinister and our physical strength wanes with exhaustion and repetitive strain, our spirits grow stronger and stronger as we transition away from wielding our own weapons to understanding how to wear His armor for all its worth. And for those of us who have a particular attachment to protecting ourselves, controlling our fates, and relying on our own mortality, it takes a little longer to become immersed in our real selves versus these temporary bodies we so fearfully dwell in here on earth. Somehow, mystically, and miraculously, the healing comes when we grab hold of our identity as who we are becoming for eternity, versus who and what we are right now. The more we believe that our Mighty King is leading the fight and handling all the details, the more a soul-drenching, mind-saturating trust seeps into our being, helping us see what’s really there and who we really are. The battles still wage, but the Spirit helps us rejoice in the coming victory more than wasting time worrying about what will happen between now and then.

Weirdly enough, I knew this current season of battles would come for me. I just didn’t know when. No, I don’t have the gift of prophecy, but God did whisper it to my heart. And this is the part I pushed back on the hardest when He told me to write about this today. Four years ago, I was reading Loving God With All Your Mind by Elizabeth George during a beach vacation. Because it was my second or third time through that book, I was more than startled when the Holy Spirit sent a wave of conviction through me so strong that I responded by throwing the book in the sand and vowing not to open it again the rest of my vacation. After all, who wants to sit on the beach and weep over your sin? But that night God wouldn’t let me sleep. He wanted to do some business with me. Perhaps more clearly than I’ve ever heard Him before, the Spirit said, “It’s time to finish this. I have work for you to do. You’re being called.” And I knew exactly what He was referring to with the word “this.” I had no idea what the calling might be. But the next step was clear. And it was a doozy too. Finishing “this” meant that He wanted me to move past my deep-seated anxiety and finally discover the unshackled freedom of trusting Him with every detail of my life. A complete surrender of control.

And that’s how God works with us most of the time. He gives us the next step, but never the complete roadmap. Like Luke 16:10 says, He was asking me to be faithful in this thing, and He would reveal the next thing when the time came. The problem was the size of the next step. I had been suffering for more than 20 years at that point and had certainly been progressing toward healing, but it had always been two steps forward and one step back. Okay, so sometimes it was five steps back. However, in the weeks and months ahead, it became clear that His plan for finishing it off wasn’t through an instantaneously miraculous healing. It would turn out to be another four years of very intense work in my heart and soul. But looking back on it now I can see that it has indeed been a miracle. Actually more like a series of miracles, each building upon each other with every tiny step I took toward Him.

I had to participate in the healing process, but He produced the results. It’s exactly as Paul describes in Philippians 2:12b-13. I love how The Message version puts it. “Be energetic in your life of salvation, reverent and sensitive before God. That energy is God’s energy, an energy deep within you, God himself willing and working at what will give Him the most pleasure.” Many translations say to work out your salvation with “fear and trembling,” which can be dangerously misread by those of us prone to anxiety. But because we know Paul tells us repeatedly in Scripture not to be anxious about anything, I think he used those words to communicate the gravity of the command. In other words, the abundant life we long for hangs on the necessity of our trust and energetic yielding to God’s hand in our lives. To step into our true calling, we can’t be dominated by any need, agenda, fear, or desire of our own. We must be serious about finding our delight in God — that means our source of comfort, peace, and happiness all rest in Him, not in our need to feel safe, healthy, and prepared for everything life brings. We have to lay ourselves down daily and allow God to replace every desire we have with His. (Psalm 37:4, Matthew 16:24-26)

Oh my dear reader, I have no idea what healing you’ve been waiting on. I think we all have something, if not many things that plague our hearts, wallets, relationships, or our bodies. And often when one battle passes, another one appears. The older we get, the more we realize this, and must daily surrender our keen awareness of that fact to the grace and mercy of Jesus. Does God still offer instantaneous healings of ailments of every kind? Yes, absolutely. But if the one you’ve been seeking the longest or with the greatest yearning hasn’t come, don’t give up or despair. That’s exactly what Satan is hoping you’ll do. He’s watching you and can taste the kill so strongly that he’s salivating with the thought. 1 Peter 5:8 says he prowls around like a roaring lion seeking someone to devour. The battle around you is real, and so is the one inside your heart. But as you seek Jesus, He will give you the strength to endure and simultaneously use it for His glory. Whether the thorn will be with you for a short while or a lifetime, your healing will come. As far as we know, Paul’s thorn in the flesh never went away while he was in his earthly body, and yet he was able to write, “I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me.” (Philippians 4:13) Perhaps the healing Paul hoped for came in a manner he could’ve never expected. Perhaps the miraculous work of Jesus was so beautifully manifested despite the existence of Paul’s thorn, that it vastly eclipsed his pain and suffering to the point where he no longer desired its removal. We have no way of knowing, and I think that’s exactly how Paul wanted it to be. I believe he would want to reassure us that the status of his affliction wasn’t important in the grand scheme of things. It didn’t stop God’s work in him. It didn’t help Satan’s cause. Whether he was healed or not was irrelevant compared to the glory of Jesus emanating from his life.

Isaiah 26:12 says, “O Lord, you will ordain peace for us, for you have indeed done for us all our works.” Notice that peace is ordained, in other words, it is a sure thing, if we allow Him to do the work in and through us. Most of the time, I’ve just been in His way. Going back to that famous passage in Matthew 6, which I mentioned earlier. Most people only reference verses 25-26 when talking about worry, but verse 25 begins with the word “therefore.” That means whatever was said just before it is very critical to understanding the truth of what Jesus is saying. Verse 24 says, “No one can serve two masters. Either you will hate the one and love the other, or you will be devoted to the one and despise the other.” You see, everyone one of us is mastered by something or someone. No one escapes that fact of life. And Jesus says, you can either let me be your Master, or you will be mastered by yourself or other things. And when that happens, you will worry. Something will always be threatening your peace and sense of stability. Always.

So I leave you with this thought. I have no idea if I have been permanently healed of my anxiety disorder. And the calling the Holy Spirit announced during my nights of desperate wrestling is still yet to be revealed. But regardless of those great uncertainties, I’m allowing myself to sink into the well of peace He’s provided. I’m learning that nothing I bring to the table is worthy of the King’s use. Not my ideas for how my life should go… not my skillset… not my natural talents… and certainly not my meager efforts to keep things under control… to be master of my own life. Yes, I have some things of value on my resume. I may even come up with a few words of inspiration every now and then. But as long as I think they belong to me for my benefit in any way, He won’t use them for His glory. As long as I try to be the master of anything, then I’m the one who’s visible to others and not Jesus. And in perhaps the greatest irony of all, it is when I am the most emptied of myself, that I become the most fulfilled, secure… and yes… utterly calm.

Five-Day Devotional Guide For Further Reflection and Daily Spiritual Journaling
The questions and readings below can be used for a single-day study or your daily quiet time throughout the week. Before you begin reading the passage for each day, spend some time asking God to open your heart to His truth and hearing His voice.
Day 1 - Read the story about Peter and the fishing nets in Luke 5:1-11. A few weeks ago my pastor preached on this passage, and he said that sometimes God has to empty our nets of all our stuff before He can fill it with His. “Our stuff” could be talents, control, expertise, experiences, habits, possessions, etc. It’s whatever we rely on and trust in to make us successful, happy, comfortable or safe more than Jesus. What is in your net that Jesus is asking you to let go of?
Day 2 - Isaiah 26 is a powerful passage that describes the path to peace and healing. As you read it, think of yourself as the city that Isaiah describes. Spend time in prayer and ask God to speak to your strongholds as you read it again. Write down whatever He stirs within you. Whichever verse jumps out at you the most, write it down and commit to memorizing it.
Day 3 - The concept of God refining His people through fiery trials is a theme throughout the Bible. Pick a few of these verses to read, and then ask God to help you see His goodness in your circumstances and experience His presence in the most trying of times.
Day 4 - Philippians 4:4-8 has been called the cure for anxiety because it provides a step by step prescription for experiencing God’s peace. Even if you don’t struggle with worry, verse 8 is the perfect filter for our motivations. When live out this verse, asking God to empower us to filter all our thoughts through it, our desires become subject to the lordship of Jesus. Spend time meditating and praying on this verse. Write down anything God wants you to run through this divine filter.
Day 5 - Every believer in Jesus has a holy calling planned by God before time even began. Imagine that! God thought of you before the world was even created. Read 2 Timothy 1:8-9 and spend time in prayer and thoughtful journaling about His calling for your life. Are there any healings He needs to bring about in order for you to be fit for that calling? Ask Him to show you the next step.

What do you think of today's message? Comment and share your thoughts on this post! And if God brought someone to mind as you read or listened, please encourage them by sharing this post today!

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